I keep wanting to rise up and tell people encouraging things and talk openly about mental health and connect. I have a blog post sitting in my drafts about finding your light and fighting for the light in the world. But every time I feel ready to post it, something happens and I'm down, down, down once again.
So I guess I'm going to post this one instead.
Y'all,
I am not well.
I'm not trying to write this as a cry for help(please don't worry about me) and I don't want to seem like I'm just whiny-complaining because I know I have a lot of privilege and I have the means to survive right now and I have so much support from friends and family. I'm young and healthy. Well, physically, I am healthy. But mentally, I am not.
I feel like all of my values, goals, meanings, and purposes in life have completely shattered. And no one knows when or if any of it can be put back together again. And I don't know what to do with that information.
I have been trying to find positivity, even when we all know things are scary. I've tried to find those little lights and connections with others to keep me going. I've been fighting for the good. It's worked out okay, but with every day, week, month that goes on, things get worse and worse, and I get more and more pessimistic. The world is a fucking terrifying, unjust, angry, sad place. I can't seem to find much spark at all anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how I should even be living my life anymore. It feels like I have to find a new purpose for life that will actually be attainable now. But I have worked so SO hard to get where I am. And now it has crumbled.
My old(and very favorite) therapist in Ashland once had me identify my top 3 values in life because I was feeling so scattered and confused at the time. That simple act has still stuck with me and helps me so much when I'm feeling too floaty. The details sometimes change, but the intentions are the same and are in very simple terms:
Creation. Exploration. Connection.
What do I have with those now?
----------- --I'm working for my future by being in grad school(for puppetry) and our program downright requires in-time physical space and intimate collaborations with others and vast amounts of material resources and varieties of spaces to work in.... And we're going completely online next term. And won't even have access to the building we use to accomplish making the art we do. And we have no idea if/when things will be back to normal. We did the last half of last term online and even though my professors were so supportive and kind about it, it was still not the learning experience we should have had. Along with just the logistical stuff, I personally am not a good online student. I absolutely wouldn't have gotten through the term as successfully as I did if I was not in the exact unique situation I was in, and I won't have that anymore now. Is this expensive education even worth it anymore? --I don't like the east coast. It's just not the place for me and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't like school either, for that matter. The program I'm in is the only reason I'm in school and the only reason I'm on the east coast. It's the only one in the country like it and it really is incredible. It's the one thing that's rooted me to this place. So why stay now if I have no other roots to tie me here? --My career path isn't feasible right now. Live theatre and performance, specifically, which require large amounts of people physically close to one another, backstage, onstage, and in the audience. It will be one of the last things to return to normal, if it ever does. Not to mention, many theatre companies are going out of business or struggling a shit-ton right now. I specifically love in-your-face live theatre. Film and TV and zoom theater don't do it for me as much. Am I going to have to pick a different career path even though I'm so passionate and I've worked SO hard for this one? --Adventure is a big life value of mine too. I love to travel and see new places. I want to tour with shows forever! But now travel is dangerous. How can anyone get around that now? --Connecting with people is my other life value. I'm lucky to have some very close friendships with people I love dearly, but not being able to see them in person now has already taken a toll. Being in a physical space with people is really important to me. I was also just starting to combat my social anxiety and make more friends near me. And as much as I don’t like to admit this, finding a long-term healthy romantic relationship with someone is important to me too(my sun and venus are both in libra, I can't help it!) some of my other favorite things to do: going to crowded restaurants for delicious food, going out to drink and sing karaoke at loud bars, thrifting in cramped and dusty antique stores, seeing concerts and plays, twisting myself high in the air with aerial silks..... They're all either impossible to accomplish right now or feel too scary for me to attempt. -----------
My therapist emailed me saying she’s taking a leave of absence and someone new would contact me to make appointments. It’s been a week and a half and I’ve heard nothing. Her approach to therapy didn't help me much anyway, but it was still nice to have someone to talk to.
So I took it as an opportunity to find a new therapist from a new place(the psychiatrist I had at the same center was AWFUL, also) and went through the very slim list I got from my health insurance.
I’ve left voicemails and emails to three different mental health centers over the last few days and have heard nothing back from any of them. So what do I do with that? Though I have the ups and downs, I truly haven't had such a long, intense, life-shattering time like this since my infamous 2016 breakdown(lol anyone remember that? that was some tough shit.) I've grown a lot since then and have so much more confidence and esteem in myself. I really love who I've become and I really love what I've been doing. I'm so proud of myself. I'm so proud of how hard I've worked and have continued to work. It's not that I don't have faith in myself, it's more like I don't have faith in the world and where I belong in it now. Moving over here was rough for me, I'm not gonna lie. It was a weird adjustment. But after fighting for myself and going through hard changes, I was finally feeling happy and stable at the beginning of March. And you know what happened next. Don't tell me to stay positive or that things aren't as bad as they seem or that it will all work out in the end or that I'm being an asshole/dramatic/selfish... etc etc. like it's that easy to shift your thoughts like magic, *poof!* it's not. I've been reaching out to friends and family but I feel the need to express all this in full, in writing, and now completely ask, Is anyone else feeling this way? And what are you doing about it? How are you getting help? What are your meanings for life that keep you going? because I am just totally at a loss now.
Σχόλια